I never knew "Why Can't I Breathe" had the F word in it.
This changes my whole perspective of this song
I always thought it said "Jumped"!
~M
Friday, December 11, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Questions
How did her lips feel?
Was her hair black?
Could she taste the past?
Sense the guilt?
Even though, there really was no reason to feel guilty
But have you even talked about the life you could have had?
Why didn't you wait?
Why not give it time?
Why now?
Why her?
Why Why Why
And how could you mistake love when you were so sure?
How can you say you lacked the feeling
What feeling?
And how did it disappear?
Is mine going to disappear too?
What is love, then?
When did you know it was gone and how long did you let it fall?
And why must you smile? Why can't you cry?
How can you not CRY
Why did I cry? When I have no issue in the matter
But I know what it's like to have your heart shattered
And maybe I felt like I knew you
Maybe I feel a bit lied to
Maybe you're not so different after all
And I'm not ready to accept that yet.
So maybe I do have more questions than I asked
But then again, I don't really want the answers.
Was her hair black?
Could she taste the past?
Sense the guilt?
Even though, there really was no reason to feel guilty
But have you even talked about the life you could have had?
Why didn't you wait?
Why not give it time?
Why now?
Why her?
Why Why Why
And how could you mistake love when you were so sure?
How can you say you lacked the feeling
What feeling?
And how did it disappear?
Is mine going to disappear too?
What is love, then?
When did you know it was gone and how long did you let it fall?
And why must you smile? Why can't you cry?
How can you not CRY
Why did I cry? When I have no issue in the matter
But I know what it's like to have your heart shattered
And maybe I felt like I knew you
Maybe I feel a bit lied to
Maybe you're not so different after all
And I'm not ready to accept that yet.
So maybe I do have more questions than I asked
But then again, I don't really want the answers.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Guys.
It's funny how guys always tend to strike up a conversation with you as soon as their girlfriend breaks up with them. And you haven't talked to each other in months...
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Price Chopper Eyes
there are three things that are eating at me at this point in my life. Three problems that I can't seem to resolve. Three things that I remember when I wake up from my blissful sleep of dreams. You know how right before you fall asleep you always find a little hint of contentment? It's like you finally find a little peace within yourself because you know that in just a few seconds or minutes you will escape into dreams. Even if they're nightmares, they're still far away from reality. Far away from emotional and physical pain.
Today I started crying in the parking lot of Price Chopper. I was listening to Creed's "Arms Wide Open" and it all overwhelmed me. I've been crying a lot lately. This morning, yesterday morning, last night, maybe even tonight and tomorrow, who knows? I looked up in the mirror and I saw my eyes. I always tend to look at myself as I'm crying and I wish I could scream, "Who are you? Where have you gone? What happened to your smile?" I hate the way my lips purse and my face just looks so dreadful. It's like a different person. It's not me.
And yet, when I looked at my eyes, I didn't feel that way. I actually kept staring at them, red and puffy and glossed over with liquid. They looked more prominent. My mascara started running and my eyeliner was smudging, yet for some reason, through all of that, I began admiring how beautiful my eyes looked, glossed over in tears.
And in a way, it's symbolic. You can see the beauty in a fallen world. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's always that glimmer of hope.
Today I wrote in my journal for the first time in a long time. And I don't mean just in the sense of writing because I have written in it pretty recently, but I mean really writing. Writing and not caring what I write because that's how I feel and that's what is real. I wrote on the whole 45 min. ride to Rice and then when I got there I wrote until first bell rang. It was all just gushing and it felt so good. I realize how much better I feel after I write something down.
I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good girlfriend. I want to be a good daughter and sister. I want to be a good follower of Christ and overall a good person. But I feel like I fail so miserably sometimes. I mean, we all fail in life. We all fall short. But I hate failing when I know I'm failing and when I know I could do better.
I'm exhausted too. Problem #4
Today I started crying in the parking lot of Price Chopper. I was listening to Creed's "Arms Wide Open" and it all overwhelmed me. I've been crying a lot lately. This morning, yesterday morning, last night, maybe even tonight and tomorrow, who knows? I looked up in the mirror and I saw my eyes. I always tend to look at myself as I'm crying and I wish I could scream, "Who are you? Where have you gone? What happened to your smile?" I hate the way my lips purse and my face just looks so dreadful. It's like a different person. It's not me.
And yet, when I looked at my eyes, I didn't feel that way. I actually kept staring at them, red and puffy and glossed over with liquid. They looked more prominent. My mascara started running and my eyeliner was smudging, yet for some reason, through all of that, I began admiring how beautiful my eyes looked, glossed over in tears.
And in a way, it's symbolic. You can see the beauty in a fallen world. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's always that glimmer of hope.
Today I wrote in my journal for the first time in a long time. And I don't mean just in the sense of writing because I have written in it pretty recently, but I mean really writing. Writing and not caring what I write because that's how I feel and that's what is real. I wrote on the whole 45 min. ride to Rice and then when I got there I wrote until first bell rang. It was all just gushing and it felt so good. I realize how much better I feel after I write something down.
I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good girlfriend. I want to be a good daughter and sister. I want to be a good follower of Christ and overall a good person. But I feel like I fail so miserably sometimes. I mean, we all fail in life. We all fall short. But I hate failing when I know I'm failing and when I know I could do better.
I'm exhausted too. Problem #4
Friday, October 16, 2009
Condolences
Dear Lacroix family,
There will never be enough words that someone can say to make your hearts feel a little better or make your lives seem a little brighter. There will never be the "right words" to say in situations like this. I'm saying this because I know nothing I could ever say will help, but hopefully it will let you know all the people out there in this world that love you and care about you and will do anything there is to help you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It's horrible, awful, wrenching to lose a loved one. The whole school is praying for you and I hope you will seek comfort in knowing she is with God and that He will help you all get through this
I didn't know her, nor do I even know Mr. Lacroix that well, but I wish I could do something, anything to help out. I'm not trying to pretend as if I know anything about what you are all feeling at this moment in time, but please know that you are all being kept in prayer.
Sincerely,
~M
There will never be enough words that someone can say to make your hearts feel a little better or make your lives seem a little brighter. There will never be the "right words" to say in situations like this. I'm saying this because I know nothing I could ever say will help, but hopefully it will let you know all the people out there in this world that love you and care about you and will do anything there is to help you.
I am so sorry for your loss.
It's horrible, awful, wrenching to lose a loved one. The whole school is praying for you and I hope you will seek comfort in knowing she is with God and that He will help you all get through this
I didn't know her, nor do I even know Mr. Lacroix that well, but I wish I could do something, anything to help out. I'm not trying to pretend as if I know anything about what you are all feeling at this moment in time, but please know that you are all being kept in prayer.
Sincerely,
~M
Monday, September 7, 2009
I think...Therefore I learn.
I have to write a paper for Thursday and it's funny because I'm sitting here, trying to make progress, all the while conjuring up thoughts and ideas in my mind and yet, none of it actually makes it to the blank screen in front of me. I'm writing an essay even though, technically I could do a powerpoint. Easier, right? Wrong. I tried to get all my thoughts out on slides and just couldn't! The text that I'm writing about is just so incredibly rich with philosophy, history, theology, that I can't simply express it in a few slides. I need to write it in a paper. But I can't even conjure up formal sentence structures and it sucks because I have so much going on in my mind right now and I know that it's all good and perfect and everything but I can't freaking form an understandable sentence!!!
Man...i suck. Like really. I'm a good writer!! Why am I so hesitant to let my words flow onto paper? Some say outlines work well for this sort of thing and maybe they're right.
But I say it wouldn't help. Or maybe I'm just lazy.
Yes...laziness. Oh sweet Labor Day bliss.
So here are my thoughts:::::::
it was published in 2002.
about the fall of the roman empire
about the medieval ages around the black plague
about world war II and the holocaust
Central theme: the preservation of civilization
And yet, the more civilized one becomes, the more capable one is of corruption
Laws create boundaries to be broken.
In order for there to be order, one must have a sense of authority as well as the respect for authority
Which means there is a need for a leader, a government, a bishop, etcetera.
Positions of power
create greed
tyranny
control
actions for the sake of action
Power leads to corruption
and the 'civilization' becomes barbaric
yet still keeps its name? And that's just more corruption
Men begin to take actions. Wrong action, corrupted action, horrible, murderous action
For the sake of the greater good
Or atleast, what they believe to be good
Civilization.
And it all falls to ruin.
Bleeeeeeeeechhh
~M
Man...i suck. Like really. I'm a good writer!! Why am I so hesitant to let my words flow onto paper? Some say outlines work well for this sort of thing and maybe they're right.
But I say it wouldn't help. Or maybe I'm just lazy.
Yes...laziness. Oh sweet Labor Day bliss.
So here are my thoughts:::::::
it was published in 2002.
about the fall of the roman empire
about the medieval ages around the black plague
about world war II and the holocaust
Central theme: the preservation of civilization
And yet, the more civilized one becomes, the more capable one is of corruption
Laws create boundaries to be broken.
In order for there to be order, one must have a sense of authority as well as the respect for authority
Which means there is a need for a leader, a government, a bishop, etcetera.
Positions of power
create greed
tyranny
control
actions for the sake of action
Power leads to corruption
and the 'civilization' becomes barbaric
yet still keeps its name? And that's just more corruption
Men begin to take actions. Wrong action, corrupted action, horrible, murderous action
For the sake of the greater good
Or atleast, what they believe to be good
Civilization.
And it all falls to ruin.
Bleeeeeeeeechhh
~M
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Just a thought.
If I wrote down some of my true feelings on certain things, I feel like I'd be meeting someone I didn't like. Someone who feels weak and vulnerable sometimes.
I guess it's normal stuff for a teenage girl
But I pride myself in being, what I label, a superior thinker with confidence.
~M
I guess it's normal stuff for a teenage girl
But I pride myself in being, what I label, a superior thinker with confidence.
~M
Labor Day Weekend
should be a break from school, right? Wrong. It's just this cycle of work at Rice. You have something new every day. Tons of things due on the same day. A bunch of stuff to memorize that I'll forget by next year.
Anywaysss...I'm doing well. Field hockey game vs Harwood yesterday. We won. 3-0. Shut out. I had nothing to do with it though. Friday night we had a team dinner. Went swimming. Ate junk food. Sung around a campfire. A lot of fun:) Sam and Joe showed up too at the end which was neat.
I still have the good mood going, beyond the stress. It helps. A lot. I've come to an acceptance. And I'm reading a book of pleasure for once. Even if it is a very disturbing book. It's written in the structure of poetry. RJ came up to me in study hall and was like "Are you reading poetry?" So I told him it was really a novel just written in the form of poetry. Then he asked if it was for school or pleasure. "Pleasure," I replied. He and I both agreed that a lot of the time, you get more out of books when you just read them on your own. Relaxed. Lost in another world without a cloud looming ahead full of due dates, analyses, essays, etc.
I went shopping with my mom yesterday. Bought a new stick, some shirts and tanks. We met up with Brendan for lunch. I miss him so much. He's gonna travel to Europe in like...a year and a half. Good for him. But good luck. He talked about dumpster diving.
Yes, my mixed up thoughts. Tomorrow I'm going to breakfast with my mom and maein. Ryan and Kizzles are coming home tonight so they may join us. I miss him too. And her in fact. She'll make a good sister.
If they ever get married, that is.
I just found out that my brother jumped out of an airplane.
~M
Anywaysss...I'm doing well. Field hockey game vs Harwood yesterday. We won. 3-0. Shut out. I had nothing to do with it though. Friday night we had a team dinner. Went swimming. Ate junk food. Sung around a campfire. A lot of fun:) Sam and Joe showed up too at the end which was neat.
I still have the good mood going, beyond the stress. It helps. A lot. I've come to an acceptance. And I'm reading a book of pleasure for once. Even if it is a very disturbing book. It's written in the structure of poetry. RJ came up to me in study hall and was like "Are you reading poetry?" So I told him it was really a novel just written in the form of poetry. Then he asked if it was for school or pleasure. "Pleasure," I replied. He and I both agreed that a lot of the time, you get more out of books when you just read them on your own. Relaxed. Lost in another world without a cloud looming ahead full of due dates, analyses, essays, etc.
I went shopping with my mom yesterday. Bought a new stick, some shirts and tanks. We met up with Brendan for lunch. I miss him so much. He's gonna travel to Europe in like...a year and a half. Good for him. But good luck. He talked about dumpster diving.
Yes, my mixed up thoughts. Tomorrow I'm going to breakfast with my mom and maein. Ryan and Kizzles are coming home tonight so they may join us. I miss him too. And her in fact. She'll make a good sister.
If they ever get married, that is.
I just found out that my brother jumped out of an airplane.
~M
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Update
Sooooo as of around 4 or 5 days ago, I was put on new medication for my thyroid. My levels weren't really responding to the previous pills so they switched me to this natural stuff which is pretty cool. Anyway, my mom was looking up my new medication alongside the old, finding reviews other people made on switching from the old to new and side effects and how it improved a lot of things. One of the positives was that while the old pill tended to increase mood swings, the new one decreased them, making a lot of people feeling happier and better with the natural medication.
I'm not sure if this is the reason, but this week I've felt so much better. Just mood-wise really. For the first time in a loonngg time, last night I felt the need to hug my mom. Not just as like a routine, more of like a need. Like I really wanted to be with her and talk to her and let stuff out to her, have her there. It was really great and I just hope it doesn't go away.
When I get angry, I tend to lash out at my parents. Then I feel so guilty afterward, but not sorry if that makes sense. I just feel like I'm so mad and even though I know there's absolutely no reason for it, I can't control it. That's why this was such a big deal and still is. Mood swings are the worst and yeah...they're normal for woman, but like once a month and this was basically a constant thing. I'm so irritable a lot of the time, but this week that just hasn't really been the case. So I'm guessing it's the meds and I hope it is so it could explain my previous irrational anger.
Cause it's not like I'm an angry person. I almost never get in fights with friends. It's extremely rare. I'm really easy-going, I love to laugh, I'm happy to be alive and learn and succeed and everything. I'm a happy person. But when it came to family, there was just so much that bothered me. When honestly...I consider my family like the best ever. Extremely unique. Talented. Hilarious. Nurturing and loving and caring. One of a kind and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. Yet simple, teeny tiny things could set me off. I felt on edge. And now...it seems gone. Out of nowhere. And I'm really loving it.
School's been a pain, but I'm not really complaining (yet). I'm on top of things. Not behind (yet). I got an A's on all 4 summer essays for AP US which was niiiiiiiice. 5 minute in-class essays suck though. I cannot write under pressure. Mrs. Ring is still super annoying. She reminds me Prof. Umbridge from Harry Potter. Not in the evil sense, but everything has to be just so, ya know? Religion is pretty SWEET. English iS AMAZING. Oh my goodness, I love Mr. Brown. He's such a good English teacher and I'm only on my first week of school. Chemistry is good so far, but I'm nervous for labs to start. Bleh.
I have a field hockey game tomorrow in Montpelier. I'm pumped. I am now a defensive player:)
I had a campus min. meeting tonight so I couldn't go to youth group, but I really don't have money to go to the fair anyway so that would not have worked out.
My dad is in Canadaaaaa.
I must go work on homework.
~M
PS: I miss my lurve.
I'm not sure if this is the reason, but this week I've felt so much better. Just mood-wise really. For the first time in a loonngg time, last night I felt the need to hug my mom. Not just as like a routine, more of like a need. Like I really wanted to be with her and talk to her and let stuff out to her, have her there. It was really great and I just hope it doesn't go away.
When I get angry, I tend to lash out at my parents. Then I feel so guilty afterward, but not sorry if that makes sense. I just feel like I'm so mad and even though I know there's absolutely no reason for it, I can't control it. That's why this was such a big deal and still is. Mood swings are the worst and yeah...they're normal for woman, but like once a month and this was basically a constant thing. I'm so irritable a lot of the time, but this week that just hasn't really been the case. So I'm guessing it's the meds and I hope it is so it could explain my previous irrational anger.
Cause it's not like I'm an angry person. I almost never get in fights with friends. It's extremely rare. I'm really easy-going, I love to laugh, I'm happy to be alive and learn and succeed and everything. I'm a happy person. But when it came to family, there was just so much that bothered me. When honestly...I consider my family like the best ever. Extremely unique. Talented. Hilarious. Nurturing and loving and caring. One of a kind and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. Yet simple, teeny tiny things could set me off. I felt on edge. And now...it seems gone. Out of nowhere. And I'm really loving it.
School's been a pain, but I'm not really complaining (yet). I'm on top of things. Not behind (yet). I got an A's on all 4 summer essays for AP US which was niiiiiiiice. 5 minute in-class essays suck though. I cannot write under pressure. Mrs. Ring is still super annoying. She reminds me Prof. Umbridge from Harry Potter. Not in the evil sense, but everything has to be just so, ya know? Religion is pretty SWEET. English iS AMAZING. Oh my goodness, I love Mr. Brown. He's such a good English teacher and I'm only on my first week of school. Chemistry is good so far, but I'm nervous for labs to start. Bleh.
I have a field hockey game tomorrow in Montpelier. I'm pumped. I am now a defensive player:)
I had a campus min. meeting tonight so I couldn't go to youth group, but I really don't have money to go to the fair anyway so that would not have worked out.
My dad is in Canadaaaaa.
I must go work on homework.
~M
PS: I miss my lurve.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Vanilla Twilight
This morning I found a most amazing song. I can already tell it is a new favorite. It's called Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. Here are the lyrics:
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause all doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blink I'll think of you
Tonight
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear that I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'll whisper in your ear,
Darling, I wish you were here.
It's one of those songs that I listen over and over again.
So I started school last Wednesday. It's okay I guess. I just don't know how it snuck up on me so fast. People say life goes faster as you grow older and I guess that's what it is. It's one of the forces in the world that you can never fight. "Stop this Train" by John Mayer is a good song that portrays getting older. Wow, sorry, too much music:)
So school has been...okay. I love my new teachers, except for math. She is soooo annoying. Like the way she says things and phrases. She says "Pro-cess" Instead of process and for some reason it really bugs me. She's also a huge calculator freak.
Okay moving on. English class is gonna rock this year. Mr Brown is fantastic. History will be hard but good. I'm not gonna learn anything new in French. Religion is pretty schweet. Chem might be hard, but Mr. Torde is super nice and interesting. Father Bernie is AMAZINg.
I have A Lunch. I'm now sitting with a bunch of sophomores I like because the girls that I thought I would sit with have been pretty nasty lately. Not to me, but to other girls and I'm sick of it. Hopefully I'll get to know new people this year. Genuinely nice people. It's hard to find them in high school. Or...maybe I'm just too judgmental...once again.
Field hockey is really what's getting me through all this depressingness. Not that I'm depressed. School just gets me down. We haven't had any big assignments yet, it's just knowing that I WILL is what's making me this way. And like...WHY? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just view school as a place I go everyday and I can handle the workload, because I know I can handle it, I just get so worked up about it. Then I complain and get down. But really, it's going to be fine.
Maybe it's worse this year because I had a bad summer. Like I never fully separated myself from stress and school and drama. There was always something messing it up. Anyway, bottom line is that I really want to just sit back, relax and enjoy this year.
~M
The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause all doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here
I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly
I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blink I'll think of you
Tonight
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear that I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'll whisper in your ear,
Darling, I wish you were here.
It's one of those songs that I listen over and over again.
So I started school last Wednesday. It's okay I guess. I just don't know how it snuck up on me so fast. People say life goes faster as you grow older and I guess that's what it is. It's one of the forces in the world that you can never fight. "Stop this Train" by John Mayer is a good song that portrays getting older. Wow, sorry, too much music:)
So school has been...okay. I love my new teachers, except for math. She is soooo annoying. Like the way she says things and phrases. She says "Pro-cess" Instead of process and for some reason it really bugs me. She's also a huge calculator freak.
Okay moving on. English class is gonna rock this year. Mr Brown is fantastic. History will be hard but good. I'm not gonna learn anything new in French. Religion is pretty schweet. Chem might be hard, but Mr. Torde is super nice and interesting. Father Bernie is AMAZINg.
I have A Lunch. I'm now sitting with a bunch of sophomores I like because the girls that I thought I would sit with have been pretty nasty lately. Not to me, but to other girls and I'm sick of it. Hopefully I'll get to know new people this year. Genuinely nice people. It's hard to find them in high school. Or...maybe I'm just too judgmental...once again.
Field hockey is really what's getting me through all this depressingness. Not that I'm depressed. School just gets me down. We haven't had any big assignments yet, it's just knowing that I WILL is what's making me this way. And like...WHY? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just view school as a place I go everyday and I can handle the workload, because I know I can handle it, I just get so worked up about it. Then I complain and get down. But really, it's going to be fine.
Maybe it's worse this year because I had a bad summer. Like I never fully separated myself from stress and school and drama. There was always something messing it up. Anyway, bottom line is that I really want to just sit back, relax and enjoy this year.
~M
Monday, August 10, 2009
Jet Ski Outing
So today was a very good day. Except the cousins left with the little ones. I got a hug goodbye from Kaelen (sp?) though:)
Tonight I rode the jet ski by myself for the first time. Campbell went out on hers and we just rode around together. Best experience. And the clouds looked really cool. Now I know I really need to get my boating license. If I could just take that out whenever I wanted to, that would be perfect. Just me and the sky and Lake Weslemkoon. So goal for this year: Acquire boat license. Next year I must have one!!
We had dinner over at the A-Frame tonight and just talked and hung out. Campbell and I played Acy Doucy again. She has been having an insane winning streak. Tonight I believe she won her 7th game in a row against me.
We have a food chain living in our house right now. Humphrey is after the cat who is after the rat and the poor rat is just beside him/herself. Makes life interesting though.
I only have one pair of contacts left so I'm saving them until I get home. I'm not very fond of wearing glasses.
My mom and I have been getting along better. Things seem good atleast. I'm probably too hard on her. Now that Sean's here there's less focus on me.
Five, almost four days left until I'm home again.
Great song: Home - Michael Buble.
I was listening to it tonight on Uncle Scott's iPhone.
~M
Tonight I rode the jet ski by myself for the first time. Campbell went out on hers and we just rode around together. Best experience. And the clouds looked really cool. Now I know I really need to get my boating license. If I could just take that out whenever I wanted to, that would be perfect. Just me and the sky and Lake Weslemkoon. So goal for this year: Acquire boat license. Next year I must have one!!
We had dinner over at the A-Frame tonight and just talked and hung out. Campbell and I played Acy Doucy again. She has been having an insane winning streak. Tonight I believe she won her 7th game in a row against me.
We have a food chain living in our house right now. Humphrey is after the cat who is after the rat and the poor rat is just beside him/herself. Makes life interesting though.
I only have one pair of contacts left so I'm saving them until I get home. I'm not very fond of wearing glasses.
My mom and I have been getting along better. Things seem good atleast. I'm probably too hard on her. Now that Sean's here there's less focus on me.
Five, almost four days left until I'm home again.
Great song: Home - Michael Buble.
I was listening to it tonight on Uncle Scott's iPhone.
~M
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I think.
I think I've felt really beaten down lately. Like this summer has been something to get through, not a time to rejuvenate. Part of me feels like once school starts up again, things will be better and that's saying a lot because i'm really dreading school, the work, the drama. There's so much drama.
~M
~M
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Short recap
So tonight we had another huge family dinner with everyone over. Campbell and I took Liam beforehand and babysat him. I changed another diaper:) It's weird always hearing baby voices and crying and whining and all the commotion. It's constant and I love every moment. There's always something going on.
Tomorrow Jason, Bree, Tadd, Kaelen (sp?), and Brennan are all leaving. It's really sad since they just got here on Thursday!
The cat pounced right near Sgt. Levingston today, trying to eat him, but fortunately missed his target. Good times.
I really want to write some more poetry.
~M
Tomorrow Jason, Bree, Tadd, Kaelen (sp?), and Brennan are all leaving. It's really sad since they just got here on Thursday!
The cat pounced right near Sgt. Levingston today, trying to eat him, but fortunately missed his target. Good times.
I really want to write some more poetry.
~M
6:12
Tonight all the extended fam is coming over again for dinner. Sean arrived around 2 o'clock with Sgt. Levingston.
I really love it up here.
I really love it up here.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
We yearn for the Divine
Sometimes there is just so much I wish I could say, but I simply can't because I know that even the people I love the most wouldn't understand. I feel like if I actually got into a deep coversation with someone, If I really told them how I felt and how much hurt I've had these past few weeks, dealing with parents, and comments that I just can't deflect, I would burst into tears.
Part of me wishes I could. I wish I could just let it all go and burrow my head into someone's shoulder. Let all my pain go away into them. Let them hear, and listen, and feel my back vibrate with sobbing.
Two night ago, I was hugging my dad, talking to him. He asked me if I felt I had someone who I could tell my deepest stuff to. Someone to whom I felt free telling absolutely everything. At first I said "Yeah, I do." Then he questioned me again and confessed he didn't have someone like that. Instead, he felt that that person was God.
And it made me think more about it all. Because as I began to take his original question into depth, I realized, who was I kidding? Who does have such a person? A person to whom they can tell the very depths of their soul. Their fears and their judgements. Their dirty secrets. Their true honest motives. Who could really understand? Who could just listen to someone's inmost being without judgement. Without the impulse to give advice.
People, by nature, are going to hurt you in some way. No matter who it is, where they came from, what their background story is, they are going to either offend, hurt, question, or challenge you in your life. It doesn't even matter if they loved you more than anyone else in the world. They will still hurt you at some point. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe not even a lot, but it's inevitable.
I believe everyone desires someone who seems to match their soul perfectly. Like a puzzle piece created to simply complement your own being.
I read a book on philosophy a few years back and I forget who the philosopher was or what exactly the main idea was, but I remember there being a theory that before we are born, or rather, before the world was even created, every individual soul had been united with the Divine, the Higher Power, the Perfect Entity. So when we enter into the world, we are torn away from that entity, still holding the remembrance of it in our mind. That is why throughout our lives, we are in a constant search for something or someone to fill that emptiness, to take the place of that perfection we once held onto. But it's not until we discover God and die to be reunited with Him, are we fully satisfied.
And a lot of the time, the way humans wish to replace such an idea of perfection, is to find it in another human being. That is where passion, love, marriage, uniting with another flesh, comes into play.
It was a very interesting concept and I'm not sure how I took such a turn in writing, but it's interesting to write it all down.
Up here, it's just you and the lake sometimes. I need to be alone and think when my parents begin to frustrate me. I imagine all of the ways I could feel comfort. All of the people who I think would understand and what would they think if they saw me at that moment.
So I've realized there's no one who is going to be able to fully comfort you. There's not a person in all of eternity who can bring you eternal peace and joy. And the only entity I can place my full trust in is God. So when I'm about to start crying and when I feel so misunderstood, even by those whom I feel closest toward, I look up to the sky and know that He is watching me. He feels everything I feel and He can take it all away.
And it's also nice because sometimes when I realize that, this overwhelming sense of peace does spread right over me. I know that I'm fine and I know that I'll be fine. I just want to say close to Him over everything else.
I do miss a lot of things up here. I miss a boy that I love especially. I've never felt this way. Six weeks without seeing him is so hard. And not just seeing him, but I'm lucky if I catch him online to talk for more than a few measly minutes. Then I always feel like I'm too desperate, but I still get mad that he doesn't seem to want to talk. I just don't get it.
I need to go to sleep
~M
Part of me wishes I could. I wish I could just let it all go and burrow my head into someone's shoulder. Let all my pain go away into them. Let them hear, and listen, and feel my back vibrate with sobbing.
Two night ago, I was hugging my dad, talking to him. He asked me if I felt I had someone who I could tell my deepest stuff to. Someone to whom I felt free telling absolutely everything. At first I said "Yeah, I do." Then he questioned me again and confessed he didn't have someone like that. Instead, he felt that that person was God.
And it made me think more about it all. Because as I began to take his original question into depth, I realized, who was I kidding? Who does have such a person? A person to whom they can tell the very depths of their soul. Their fears and their judgements. Their dirty secrets. Their true honest motives. Who could really understand? Who could just listen to someone's inmost being without judgement. Without the impulse to give advice.
People, by nature, are going to hurt you in some way. No matter who it is, where they came from, what their background story is, they are going to either offend, hurt, question, or challenge you in your life. It doesn't even matter if they loved you more than anyone else in the world. They will still hurt you at some point. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe not even a lot, but it's inevitable.
I believe everyone desires someone who seems to match their soul perfectly. Like a puzzle piece created to simply complement your own being.
I read a book on philosophy a few years back and I forget who the philosopher was or what exactly the main idea was, but I remember there being a theory that before we are born, or rather, before the world was even created, every individual soul had been united with the Divine, the Higher Power, the Perfect Entity. So when we enter into the world, we are torn away from that entity, still holding the remembrance of it in our mind. That is why throughout our lives, we are in a constant search for something or someone to fill that emptiness, to take the place of that perfection we once held onto. But it's not until we discover God and die to be reunited with Him, are we fully satisfied.
And a lot of the time, the way humans wish to replace such an idea of perfection, is to find it in another human being. That is where passion, love, marriage, uniting with another flesh, comes into play.
It was a very interesting concept and I'm not sure how I took such a turn in writing, but it's interesting to write it all down.
Up here, it's just you and the lake sometimes. I need to be alone and think when my parents begin to frustrate me. I imagine all of the ways I could feel comfort. All of the people who I think would understand and what would they think if they saw me at that moment.
So I've realized there's no one who is going to be able to fully comfort you. There's not a person in all of eternity who can bring you eternal peace and joy. And the only entity I can place my full trust in is God. So when I'm about to start crying and when I feel so misunderstood, even by those whom I feel closest toward, I look up to the sky and know that He is watching me. He feels everything I feel and He can take it all away.
And it's also nice because sometimes when I realize that, this overwhelming sense of peace does spread right over me. I know that I'm fine and I know that I'll be fine. I just want to say close to Him over everything else.
I do miss a lot of things up here. I miss a boy that I love especially. I've never felt this way. Six weeks without seeing him is so hard. And not just seeing him, but I'm lucky if I catch him online to talk for more than a few measly minutes. Then I always feel like I'm too desperate, but I still get mad that he doesn't seem to want to talk. I just don't get it.
I need to go to sleep
~M
Monday, August 3, 2009
Relatives
I am just so happy now that relatives are here! Every minute is full of excitement. Today Campbell and I babysat Liam again for a bit. He is the cutest and when he smiles it just makes you smile too. He likes to play with my hair and pat it down infront of my eyes and then giggles everytime I blow it away with my mouth. He has the cutest little tummy too. I love baby tummys. They're always so chubby :) He is definitely an observer. He is a year and a half old, but is sooo quiet...except when he's crying. But he'll ignore you if he's playing with something he finds fascinating. Like today he discovered cabinets and just would open and close the doors over and over again, putting his sippy cup in and then taking it back out. Brookie acts so happy when we babysit for a few hours, but Campbell and I both just want to keep him all day.
Tonight we're having a bonfire over at the Stull camp and a cooking out for dinner. We haven't done stuff like this in years.
Last night we all played Catchphrase and the whole lake could probably hear us because we were just screaming and laughing. It was so much fun.
Campbell and I also had a long talk...more like venting time. She's kinda like the sister I never had and even though she's five years older than me, she's always wanted to hang out with me anyway. I remember she was the first person who got me into Beanie Babies. With so many boys in the Dempsey family, I've always loved having Campbell up here in the summer.
Even though it's summer, I'm still so stressed about school. I've already read 4/6 of my summer reading books and the one i'm on now is so long and so boring. The other one I haven't even bought yet since I might end up dropping the class. My AP US History class this year has a summer assignment of four essays, three outlines, and a chapter reading from the textbook. I've only done one outline so far and I'm just dreading the essays.
I can't understand why schools give such a large amount of work to students during summer. The whole point of vacation is to relax, and yeah, I understand it's an AP course, but it still seems like too much. With all the work that I'll be doing during the year, why give more during summer?? It's like this weight that's on my shoulders and I feel guilty every minute I waste or am just being lazy because I think to myself how I should be doing work right now. It seems like once you reach high school, the rest of your life is just gonna be things to get through. You have high school, then college, then a full time job, or just raising kids and keeping up a house. It's frustrating. I complain a lot. I know, but sometimes I just want to scream.
Wow, sorry I'm ending on such a downer. I'm really in a good mood, but that's just how it's gone...
~M
Tonight we're having a bonfire over at the Stull camp and a cooking out for dinner. We haven't done stuff like this in years.
Last night we all played Catchphrase and the whole lake could probably hear us because we were just screaming and laughing. It was so much fun.
Campbell and I also had a long talk...more like venting time. She's kinda like the sister I never had and even though she's five years older than me, she's always wanted to hang out with me anyway. I remember she was the first person who got me into Beanie Babies. With so many boys in the Dempsey family, I've always loved having Campbell up here in the summer.
Even though it's summer, I'm still so stressed about school. I've already read 4/6 of my summer reading books and the one i'm on now is so long and so boring. The other one I haven't even bought yet since I might end up dropping the class. My AP US History class this year has a summer assignment of four essays, three outlines, and a chapter reading from the textbook. I've only done one outline so far and I'm just dreading the essays.
I can't understand why schools give such a large amount of work to students during summer. The whole point of vacation is to relax, and yeah, I understand it's an AP course, but it still seems like too much. With all the work that I'll be doing during the year, why give more during summer?? It's like this weight that's on my shoulders and I feel guilty every minute I waste or am just being lazy because I think to myself how I should be doing work right now. It seems like once you reach high school, the rest of your life is just gonna be things to get through. You have high school, then college, then a full time job, or just raising kids and keeping up a house. It's frustrating. I complain a lot. I know, but sometimes I just want to scream.
Wow, sorry I'm ending on such a downer. I'm really in a good mood, but that's just how it's gone...
~M
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Family Arrivals
Today was actually a really great day. The weather was wonderful, warm, sunny. It was just the ideal summer day. Went jogging, went swimming. Finished a book and tanned.
My cousin Brookie arrived today with my uncle, her husband Nate, and her son Liam. I'm so happy that family have arrived:) My mom and I tried to babysit Liam for a bit, but once he was separated from Brooke, he would not stop crying and screaming. And this may be mean, but there is something so incredibly adorable about screaming babies. They are just AH SO CUTE I can barely take it. And really, I just sort of laugh while they're crying. So anyway, Brooke had to come get him because he wasn't too pleased about us kidnapping him.
Really, I just love babies so much. They make me so happy. I've decided I'm gonna try and do a lot of babysitting this year to earn money. I have to earn atleast $500 for a missions trip this February and I'm looking for every opportunity to get a bit of cash. I'd rather be doing something I enjoy though and spending time with kids is definitely one of those. Toddlers are the best and all they have to do is just gurgle and try and walk and they just make you so happy inside. I loooveee children! AH.
Campbell, Scott, and Simms arrived around 7 or 7:30 tonight. They were hoping to get in by 4:30. Apparently they had a really bad trip. Their travel takes 2 days whereas ours only takes 7 hours. I guess I should be thankful.
I also saw Misha today. She brought her boyfriend, Sev up here for a few days. He seems like a nice guy. Quiet. He's about 4 or 5 years older than her.
I really think the next two weeks are gonna fly on by now and I'm quite happy. It's gonna be a lot of fun seeing everyone and just having it be like old times.
~M
My cousin Brookie arrived today with my uncle, her husband Nate, and her son Liam. I'm so happy that family have arrived:) My mom and I tried to babysit Liam for a bit, but once he was separated from Brooke, he would not stop crying and screaming. And this may be mean, but there is something so incredibly adorable about screaming babies. They are just AH SO CUTE I can barely take it. And really, I just sort of laugh while they're crying. So anyway, Brooke had to come get him because he wasn't too pleased about us kidnapping him.
Really, I just love babies so much. They make me so happy. I've decided I'm gonna try and do a lot of babysitting this year to earn money. I have to earn atleast $500 for a missions trip this February and I'm looking for every opportunity to get a bit of cash. I'd rather be doing something I enjoy though and spending time with kids is definitely one of those. Toddlers are the best and all they have to do is just gurgle and try and walk and they just make you so happy inside. I loooveee children! AH.
Campbell, Scott, and Simms arrived around 7 or 7:30 tonight. They were hoping to get in by 4:30. Apparently they had a really bad trip. Their travel takes 2 days whereas ours only takes 7 hours. I guess I should be thankful.
I also saw Misha today. She brought her boyfriend, Sev up here for a few days. He seems like a nice guy. Quiet. He's about 4 or 5 years older than her.
I really think the next two weeks are gonna fly on by now and I'm quite happy. It's gonna be a lot of fun seeing everyone and just having it be like old times.
~M
Friday, July 31, 2009
Summer
I'm just so sick of this cabin. It's not that I don't love it, because I do. So much in fact. It hold so many memories, so many laughs, so many good times spent with family. But I think it's just so much harder this year because it's just me. It's just me with my parents day after day.
And once again, it's not that I don't love my parents. I adore my parents. But I cannot get away to be alone and not be questioned up here. Every movement is followed.
I feel so lonely. This cottage used to be bursting with craziness thanks to my brothers. They always had a fire going, music playing, company over. They were always doing something that made me want to follow. And being the youngest as well as being the only girl, I feel like I missed out on a lot that they got to do. Back when they were allowed to go out at night, to girl's cabins and just hang out, have a bon fire, have fun. I was too young. And now that I'm old enough, they're just not around. They have jobs, and girlfriends and plans.
I just wish I were home so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss people in general. I hate that I'm so whiney, but I really just need to get away. I used to think I could get away up here, but it's just worse here because I'm never truly alone. My comments, motives, actions, are always questioned. They treat me like a child and I know for a fact that I don't get the same privileges that my brothers received at my age.
I think it's just because I'm a teenager now, but I'm going to have been up here a total of 6 weeks by the time we leave. That's almost my entire summer without seeing friends and having/going to parties. I've come to realize two, maybe two and a half weeks are all I can take. Past that, I get extremely antsy. The weather is bipolar this summer.
My mom said next year I could stay at home the whole first part of the summer and go up with them later on. Meanwhile I can work and hang out. I think that's the ideal plan. Now that I can drive it'd be awesome to just have a few weeks to myself at home. I just hope it actually happens.
Last year everything seemed so peaceful, so perfect. I was so happy to be here. But now, there's a lot of bickering between my mom and I. I feel like I can't escape it. I just get so frustrated and I need space.
I feel blogging might help me vent. I have a journal. I have a tumblr, but I don't use it. Maybe I like the idea of blogging more than journaling just because it's faster and more...modern? The idea has always attracted me. I have one for my poetry, but I'm glad I've started one to just let go of my thoughts as they come. I already feel a bit better.
So let me now bring in some positives.
Our cottage is truly beautiful. Lake Weslemkoon in summer time is one of the best places on earth. Everything is peaceful. Time moves slowly. The water feels heavenly after taking a jog, or just after being in the sun for too long. I absolutely love swimming. I feel free when I swim because it's just you and nature. I like floating on my back and looking at the clouds, especially when the wind is pushing them along at a really fast rate. I don't think I appreciate the clouds enough, but they really do fascinate me. When I was young I believed-and i'm sure most kids believe this-that the clouds were just like a big fluffy white pillow and if I were that high up I could just sleep in one. Later on in life, I found out that a person would simply fall through the billowy clouds.
Lake Wes is still gorgeous when it rains, but even more so when the sun is shining. The lake glimmers. Thunderstorms are the most exciting up here because they happen right on the lake. You can see the swirls of the water and each individual dot of rain as it falls to make the water rise. Sometimes the electricity goes out and we read by candlelight. It hasn't happened yet this year, but I still have another two weeks.
~M
And once again, it's not that I don't love my parents. I adore my parents. But I cannot get away to be alone and not be questioned up here. Every movement is followed.
I feel so lonely. This cottage used to be bursting with craziness thanks to my brothers. They always had a fire going, music playing, company over. They were always doing something that made me want to follow. And being the youngest as well as being the only girl, I feel like I missed out on a lot that they got to do. Back when they were allowed to go out at night, to girl's cabins and just hang out, have a bon fire, have fun. I was too young. And now that I'm old enough, they're just not around. They have jobs, and girlfriends and plans.
I just wish I were home so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss people in general. I hate that I'm so whiney, but I really just need to get away. I used to think I could get away up here, but it's just worse here because I'm never truly alone. My comments, motives, actions, are always questioned. They treat me like a child and I know for a fact that I don't get the same privileges that my brothers received at my age.
I think it's just because I'm a teenager now, but I'm going to have been up here a total of 6 weeks by the time we leave. That's almost my entire summer without seeing friends and having/going to parties. I've come to realize two, maybe two and a half weeks are all I can take. Past that, I get extremely antsy. The weather is bipolar this summer.
My mom said next year I could stay at home the whole first part of the summer and go up with them later on. Meanwhile I can work and hang out. I think that's the ideal plan. Now that I can drive it'd be awesome to just have a few weeks to myself at home. I just hope it actually happens.
Last year everything seemed so peaceful, so perfect. I was so happy to be here. But now, there's a lot of bickering between my mom and I. I feel like I can't escape it. I just get so frustrated and I need space.
I feel blogging might help me vent. I have a journal. I have a tumblr, but I don't use it. Maybe I like the idea of blogging more than journaling just because it's faster and more...modern? The idea has always attracted me. I have one for my poetry, but I'm glad I've started one to just let go of my thoughts as they come. I already feel a bit better.
So let me now bring in some positives.
Our cottage is truly beautiful. Lake Weslemkoon in summer time is one of the best places on earth. Everything is peaceful. Time moves slowly. The water feels heavenly after taking a jog, or just after being in the sun for too long. I absolutely love swimming. I feel free when I swim because it's just you and nature. I like floating on my back and looking at the clouds, especially when the wind is pushing them along at a really fast rate. I don't think I appreciate the clouds enough, but they really do fascinate me. When I was young I believed-and i'm sure most kids believe this-that the clouds were just like a big fluffy white pillow and if I were that high up I could just sleep in one. Later on in life, I found out that a person would simply fall through the billowy clouds.
Lake Wes is still gorgeous when it rains, but even more so when the sun is shining. The lake glimmers. Thunderstorms are the most exciting up here because they happen right on the lake. You can see the swirls of the water and each individual dot of rain as it falls to make the water rise. Sometimes the electricity goes out and we read by candlelight. It hasn't happened yet this year, but I still have another two weeks.
~M
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