Price Chopper Eyes

there are three things that are eating at me at this point in my life. Three problems that I can't seem to resolve. Three things that I remember when I wake up from my blissful sleep of dreams. You know how right before you fall asleep you always find a little hint of contentment? It's like you finally find a little peace within yourself because you know that in just a few seconds or minutes you will escape into dreams. Even if they're nightmares, they're still far away from reality. Far away from emotional and physical pain.

Today I started crying in the parking lot of Price Chopper. I was listening to Creed's "Arms Wide Open" and it all overwhelmed me. I've been crying a lot lately. This morning, yesterday morning, last night, maybe even tonight and tomorrow, who knows? I looked up in the mirror and I saw my eyes. I always tend to look at myself as I'm crying and I wish I could scream, "Who are you? Where have you gone? What happened to your smile?" I hate the way my lips purse and my face just looks so dreadful. It's like a different person. It's not me.

And yet, when I looked at my eyes, I didn't feel that way. I actually kept staring at them, red and puffy and glossed over with liquid. They looked more prominent. My mascara started running and my eyeliner was smudging, yet for some reason, through all of that, I began admiring how beautiful my eyes looked, glossed over in tears.

And in a way, it's symbolic. You can see the beauty in a fallen world. You can see the light at the end of the tunnel. There's always that glimmer of hope.

Today I wrote in my journal for the first time in a long time. And I don't mean just in the sense of writing because I have written in it pretty recently, but I mean really writing. Writing and not caring what I write because that's how I feel and that's what is real. I wrote on the whole 45 min. ride to Rice and then when I got there I wrote until first bell rang. It was all just gushing and it felt so good. I realize how much better I feel after I write something down.

I want to be a good friend. I want to be a good girlfriend. I want to be a good daughter and sister. I want to be a good follower of Christ and overall a good person. But I feel like I fail so miserably sometimes. I mean, we all fail in life. We all fall short. But I hate failing when I know I'm failing and when I know I could do better.

I'm exhausted too. Problem #4