We yearn for the Divine

Sometimes there is just so much I wish I could say, but I simply can't because I know that even the people I love the most wouldn't understand. I feel like if I actually got into a deep coversation with someone, If I really told them how I felt and how much hurt I've had these past few weeks, dealing with parents, and comments that I just can't deflect, I would burst into tears.

Part of me wishes I could. I wish I could just let it all go and burrow my head into someone's shoulder. Let all my pain go away into them. Let them hear, and listen, and feel my back vibrate with sobbing.

Two night ago, I was hugging my dad, talking to him. He asked me if I felt I had someone who I could tell my deepest stuff to. Someone to whom I felt free telling absolutely everything. At first I said "Yeah, I do." Then he questioned me again and confessed he didn't have someone like that. Instead, he felt that that person was God.

And it made me think more about it all. Because as I began to take his original question into depth, I realized, who was I kidding? Who does have such a person? A person to whom they can tell the very depths of their soul. Their fears and their judgements. Their dirty secrets. Their true honest motives. Who could really understand? Who could just listen to someone's inmost being without judgement. Without the impulse to give advice.

People, by nature, are going to hurt you in some way. No matter who it is, where they came from, what their background story is, they are going to either offend, hurt, question, or challenge you in your life. It doesn't even matter if they loved you more than anyone else in the world. They will still hurt you at some point. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe not even a lot, but it's inevitable.

I believe everyone desires someone who seems to match their soul perfectly. Like a puzzle piece created to simply complement your own being.

I read a book on philosophy a few years back and I forget who the philosopher was or what exactly the main idea was, but I remember there being a theory that before we are born, or rather, before the world was even created, every individual soul had been united with the Divine, the Higher Power, the Perfect Entity. So when we enter into the world, we are torn away from that entity, still holding the remembrance of it in our mind. That is why throughout our lives, we are in a constant search for something or someone to fill that emptiness, to take the place of that perfection we once held onto. But it's not until we discover God and die to be reunited with Him, are we fully satisfied.

And a lot of the time, the way humans wish to replace such an idea of perfection, is to find it in another human being. That is where passion, love, marriage, uniting with another flesh, comes into play.

It was a very interesting concept and I'm not sure how I took such a turn in writing, but it's interesting to write it all down.

Up here, it's just you and the lake sometimes. I need to be alone and think when my parents begin to frustrate me. I imagine all of the ways I could feel comfort. All of the people who I think would understand and what would they think if they saw me at that moment.

So I've realized there's no one who is going to be able to fully comfort you. There's not a person in all of eternity who can bring you eternal peace and joy. And the only entity I can place my full trust in is God. So when I'm about to start crying and when I feel so misunderstood, even by those whom I feel closest toward, I look up to the sky and know that He is watching me. He feels everything I feel and He can take it all away.

And it's also nice because sometimes when I realize that, this overwhelming sense of peace does spread right over me. I know that I'm fine and I know that I'll be fine. I just want to say close to Him over everything else.

I do miss a lot of things up here. I miss a boy that I love especially. I've never felt this way. Six weeks without seeing him is so hard. And not just seeing him, but I'm lucky if I catch him online to talk for more than a few measly minutes. Then I always feel like I'm too desperate, but I still get mad that he doesn't seem to want to talk. I just don't get it.

I need to go to sleep

~M