I think...Therefore I learn.

I have to write a paper for Thursday and it's funny because I'm sitting here, trying to make progress, all the while conjuring up thoughts and ideas in my mind and yet, none of it actually makes it to the blank screen in front of me. I'm writing an essay even though, technically I could do a powerpoint. Easier, right? Wrong. I tried to get all my thoughts out on slides and just couldn't! The text that I'm writing about is just so incredibly rich with philosophy, history, theology, that I can't simply express it in a few slides. I need to write it in a paper. But I can't even conjure up formal sentence structures and it sucks because I have so much going on in my mind right now and I know that it's all good and perfect and everything but I can't freaking form an understandable sentence!!!

Man...i suck. Like really. I'm a good writer!! Why am I so hesitant to let my words flow onto paper? Some say outlines work well for this sort of thing and maybe they're right.

But I say it wouldn't help. Or maybe I'm just lazy.

Yes...laziness. Oh sweet Labor Day bliss.

So here are my thoughts:::::::

it was published in 2002.
about the fall of the roman empire
about the medieval ages around the black plague
about world war II and the holocaust

Central theme: the preservation of civilization
And yet, the more civilized one becomes, the more capable one is of corruption
Laws create boundaries to be broken.
In order for there to be order, one must have a sense of authority as well as the respect for authority
Which means there is a need for a leader, a government, a bishop, etcetera.
Positions of power
create greed
tyranny
control
actions for the sake of action
Power leads to corruption
and the 'civilization' becomes barbaric
yet still keeps its name? And that's just more corruption

Men begin to take actions. Wrong action, corrupted action, horrible, murderous action
For the sake of the greater good
Or atleast, what they believe to be good
Civilization.
And it all falls to ruin.

Bleeeeeeeeechhh

~M

Just a thought.

If I wrote down some of my true feelings on certain things, I feel like I'd be meeting someone I didn't like. Someone who feels weak and vulnerable sometimes.
I guess it's normal stuff for a teenage girl
But I pride myself in being, what I label, a superior thinker with confidence.
~M

Labor Day Weekend

should be a break from school, right? Wrong. It's just this cycle of work at Rice. You have something new every day. Tons of things due on the same day. A bunch of stuff to memorize that I'll forget by next year.

Anywaysss...I'm doing well. Field hockey game vs Harwood yesterday. We won. 3-0. Shut out. I had nothing to do with it though. Friday night we had a team dinner. Went swimming. Ate junk food. Sung around a campfire. A lot of fun:) Sam and Joe showed up too at the end which was neat.

I still have the good mood going, beyond the stress. It helps. A lot. I've come to an acceptance. And I'm reading a book of pleasure for once. Even if it is a very disturbing book. It's written in the structure of poetry. RJ came up to me in study hall and was like "Are you reading poetry?" So I told him it was really a novel just written in the form of poetry. Then he asked if it was for school or pleasure. "Pleasure," I replied. He and I both agreed that a lot of the time, you get more out of books when you just read them on your own. Relaxed. Lost in another world without a cloud looming ahead full of due dates, analyses, essays, etc.

I went shopping with my mom yesterday. Bought a new stick, some shirts and tanks. We met up with Brendan for lunch. I miss him so much. He's gonna travel to Europe in like...a year and a half. Good for him. But good luck. He talked about dumpster diving.

Yes, my mixed up thoughts. Tomorrow I'm going to breakfast with my mom and maein. Ryan and Kizzles are coming home tonight so they may join us. I miss him too. And her in fact. She'll make a good sister.

If they ever get married, that is.

I just found out that my brother jumped out of an airplane.

~M

Update

Sooooo as of around 4 or 5 days ago, I was put on new medication for my thyroid. My levels weren't really responding to the previous pills so they switched me to this natural stuff which is pretty cool. Anyway, my mom was looking up my new medication alongside the old, finding reviews other people made on switching from the old to new and side effects and how it improved a lot of things. One of the positives was that while the old pill tended to increase mood swings, the new one decreased them, making a lot of people feeling happier and better with the natural medication.

I'm not sure if this is the reason, but this week I've felt so much better. Just mood-wise really. For the first time in a loonngg time, last night I felt the need to hug my mom. Not just as like a routine, more of like a need. Like I really wanted to be with her and talk to her and let stuff out to her, have her there. It was really great and I just hope it doesn't go away.

When I get angry, I tend to lash out at my parents. Then I feel so guilty afterward, but not sorry if that makes sense. I just feel like I'm so mad and even though I know there's absolutely no reason for it, I can't control it. That's why this was such a big deal and still is. Mood swings are the worst and yeah...they're normal for woman, but like once a month and this was basically a constant thing. I'm so irritable a lot of the time, but this week that just hasn't really been the case. So I'm guessing it's the meds and I hope it is so it could explain my previous irrational anger.

Cause it's not like I'm an angry person. I almost never get in fights with friends. It's extremely rare. I'm really easy-going, I love to laugh, I'm happy to be alive and learn and succeed and everything. I'm a happy person. But when it came to family, there was just so much that bothered me. When honestly...I consider my family like the best ever. Extremely unique. Talented. Hilarious. Nurturing and loving and caring. One of a kind and I'm so blessed to be a part of it. Yet simple, teeny tiny things could set me off. I felt on edge. And now...it seems gone. Out of nowhere. And I'm really loving it.

School's been a pain, but I'm not really complaining (yet). I'm on top of things. Not behind (yet). I got an A's on all 4 summer essays for AP US which was niiiiiiiice. 5 minute in-class essays suck though. I cannot write under pressure. Mrs. Ring is still super annoying. She reminds me Prof. Umbridge from Harry Potter. Not in the evil sense, but everything has to be just so, ya know? Religion is pretty SWEET. English iS AMAZING. Oh my goodness, I love Mr. Brown. He's such a good English teacher and I'm only on my first week of school. Chemistry is good so far, but I'm nervous for labs to start. Bleh.

I have a field hockey game tomorrow in Montpelier. I'm pumped. I am now a defensive player:)

I had a campus min. meeting tonight so I couldn't go to youth group, but I really don't have money to go to the fair anyway so that would not have worked out.

My dad is in Canadaaaaa.

I must go work on homework.

~M

PS: I miss my lurve.