Aug. 31

today was a good day. :-D

Vanilla Twilight

This morning I found a most amazing song. I can already tell it is a new favorite. It's called Vanilla Twilight by Owl City. Here are the lyrics:

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause all doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink I'll think of you
Tonight
I'll think of you tonight.

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear that I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'll whisper in your ear,
Darling, I wish you were here.

It's one of those songs that I listen over and over again.

So I started school last Wednesday. It's okay I guess. I just don't know how it snuck up on me so fast. People say life goes faster as you grow older and I guess that's what it is. It's one of the forces in the world that you can never fight. "Stop this Train" by John Mayer is a good song that portrays getting older. Wow, sorry, too much music:)

So school has been...okay. I love my new teachers, except for math. She is soooo annoying. Like the way she says things and phrases. She says "Pro-cess" Instead of process and for some reason it really bugs me. She's also a huge calculator freak.

Okay moving on. English class is gonna rock this year. Mr Brown is fantastic. History will be hard but good. I'm not gonna learn anything new in French. Religion is pretty schweet. Chem might be hard, but Mr. Torde is super nice and interesting. Father Bernie is AMAZINg.

I have A Lunch. I'm now sitting with a bunch of sophomores I like because the girls that I thought I would sit with have been pretty nasty lately. Not to me, but to other girls and I'm sick of it. Hopefully I'll get to know new people this year. Genuinely nice people. It's hard to find them in high school. Or...maybe I'm just too judgmental...once again.

Field hockey is really what's getting me through all this depressingness. Not that I'm depressed. School just gets me down. We haven't had any big assignments yet, it's just knowing that I WILL is what's making me this way. And like...WHY? Why do I care so much? Why can't I just view school as a place I go everyday and I can handle the workload, because I know I can handle it, I just get so worked up about it. Then I complain and get down. But really, it's going to be fine.

Maybe it's worse this year because I had a bad summer. Like I never fully separated myself from stress and school and drama. There was always something messing it up. Anyway, bottom line is that I really want to just sit back, relax and enjoy this year.

~M

Jet Ski Outing

So today was a very good day. Except the cousins left with the little ones. I got a hug goodbye from Kaelen (sp?) though:)

Tonight I rode the jet ski by myself for the first time. Campbell went out on hers and we just rode around together. Best experience. And the clouds looked really cool. Now I know I really need to get my boating license. If I could just take that out whenever I wanted to, that would be perfect. Just me and the sky and Lake Weslemkoon. So goal for this year: Acquire boat license. Next year I must have one!!

We had dinner over at the A-Frame tonight and just talked and hung out. Campbell and I played Acy Doucy again. She has been having an insane winning streak. Tonight I believe she won her 7th game in a row against me.

We have a food chain living in our house right now. Humphrey is after the cat who is after the rat and the poor rat is just beside him/herself. Makes life interesting though.

I only have one pair of contacts left so I'm saving them until I get home. I'm not very fond of wearing glasses.

My mom and I have been getting along better. Things seem good atleast. I'm probably too hard on her. Now that Sean's here there's less focus on me.

Five, almost four days left until I'm home again.

Great song: Home - Michael Buble.
I was listening to it tonight on Uncle Scott's iPhone.

~M

I think.

I think I've felt really beaten down lately. Like this summer has been something to get through, not a time to rejuvenate. Part of me feels like once school starts up again, things will be better and that's saying a lot because i'm really dreading school, the work, the drama. There's so much drama.

~M

JM

NOTE to self: Get other Jason Mraz albums.

Without Me-Eminem

Short recap

So tonight we had another huge family dinner with everyone over. Campbell and I took Liam beforehand and babysat him. I changed another diaper:) It's weird always hearing baby voices and crying and whining and all the commotion. It's constant and I love every moment. There's always something going on.

Tomorrow Jason, Bree, Tadd, Kaelen (sp?), and Brennan are all leaving. It's really sad since they just got here on Thursday!

The cat pounced right near Sgt. Levingston today, trying to eat him, but fortunately missed his target. Good times.

I really want to write some more poetry.

~M

6:12

Tonight all the extended fam is coming over again for dinner. Sean arrived around 2 o'clock with Sgt. Levingston.

I really love it up here.

We yearn for the Divine

Sometimes there is just so much I wish I could say, but I simply can't because I know that even the people I love the most wouldn't understand. I feel like if I actually got into a deep coversation with someone, If I really told them how I felt and how much hurt I've had these past few weeks, dealing with parents, and comments that I just can't deflect, I would burst into tears.

Part of me wishes I could. I wish I could just let it all go and burrow my head into someone's shoulder. Let all my pain go away into them. Let them hear, and listen, and feel my back vibrate with sobbing.

Two night ago, I was hugging my dad, talking to him. He asked me if I felt I had someone who I could tell my deepest stuff to. Someone to whom I felt free telling absolutely everything. At first I said "Yeah, I do." Then he questioned me again and confessed he didn't have someone like that. Instead, he felt that that person was God.

And it made me think more about it all. Because as I began to take his original question into depth, I realized, who was I kidding? Who does have such a person? A person to whom they can tell the very depths of their soul. Their fears and their judgements. Their dirty secrets. Their true honest motives. Who could really understand? Who could just listen to someone's inmost being without judgement. Without the impulse to give advice.

People, by nature, are going to hurt you in some way. No matter who it is, where they came from, what their background story is, they are going to either offend, hurt, question, or challenge you in your life. It doesn't even matter if they loved you more than anyone else in the world. They will still hurt you at some point. Maybe not intentionally. Maybe not even a lot, but it's inevitable.

I believe everyone desires someone who seems to match their soul perfectly. Like a puzzle piece created to simply complement your own being.

I read a book on philosophy a few years back and I forget who the philosopher was or what exactly the main idea was, but I remember there being a theory that before we are born, or rather, before the world was even created, every individual soul had been united with the Divine, the Higher Power, the Perfect Entity. So when we enter into the world, we are torn away from that entity, still holding the remembrance of it in our mind. That is why throughout our lives, we are in a constant search for something or someone to fill that emptiness, to take the place of that perfection we once held onto. But it's not until we discover God and die to be reunited with Him, are we fully satisfied.

And a lot of the time, the way humans wish to replace such an idea of perfection, is to find it in another human being. That is where passion, love, marriage, uniting with another flesh, comes into play.

It was a very interesting concept and I'm not sure how I took such a turn in writing, but it's interesting to write it all down.

Up here, it's just you and the lake sometimes. I need to be alone and think when my parents begin to frustrate me. I imagine all of the ways I could feel comfort. All of the people who I think would understand and what would they think if they saw me at that moment.

So I've realized there's no one who is going to be able to fully comfort you. There's not a person in all of eternity who can bring you eternal peace and joy. And the only entity I can place my full trust in is God. So when I'm about to start crying and when I feel so misunderstood, even by those whom I feel closest toward, I look up to the sky and know that He is watching me. He feels everything I feel and He can take it all away.

And it's also nice because sometimes when I realize that, this overwhelming sense of peace does spread right over me. I know that I'm fine and I know that I'll be fine. I just want to say close to Him over everything else.

I do miss a lot of things up here. I miss a boy that I love especially. I've never felt this way. Six weeks without seeing him is so hard. And not just seeing him, but I'm lucky if I catch him online to talk for more than a few measly minutes. Then I always feel like I'm too desperate, but I still get mad that he doesn't seem to want to talk. I just don't get it.

I need to go to sleep

~M

Relatives

I am just so happy now that relatives are here! Every minute is full of excitement. Today Campbell and I babysat Liam again for a bit. He is the cutest and when he smiles it just makes you smile too. He likes to play with my hair and pat it down infront of my eyes and then giggles everytime I blow it away with my mouth. He has the cutest little tummy too. I love baby tummys. They're always so chubby :) He is definitely an observer. He is a year and a half old, but is sooo quiet...except when he's crying. But he'll ignore you if he's playing with something he finds fascinating. Like today he discovered cabinets and just would open and close the doors over and over again, putting his sippy cup in and then taking it back out. Brookie acts so happy when we babysit for a few hours, but Campbell and I both just want to keep him all day.


Tonight we're having a bonfire over at the Stull camp and a cooking out for dinner. We haven't done stuff like this in years.

Last night we all played Catchphrase and the whole lake could probably hear us because we were just screaming and laughing. It was so much fun.


Campbell and I also had a long talk...more like venting time. She's kinda like the sister I never had and even though she's five years older than me, she's always wanted to hang out with me anyway. I remember she was the first person who got me into Beanie Babies. With so many boys in the Dempsey family, I've always loved having Campbell up here in the summer.


Even though it's summer, I'm still so stressed about school. I've already read 4/6 of my summer reading books and the one i'm on now is so long and so boring. The other one I haven't even bought yet since I might end up dropping the class. My AP US History class this year has a summer assignment of four essays, three outlines, and a chapter reading from the textbook. I've only done one outline so far and I'm just dreading the essays.


I can't understand why schools give such a large amount of work to students during summer. The whole point of vacation is to relax, and yeah, I understand it's an AP course, but it still seems like too much. With all the work that I'll be doing during the year, why give more during summer?? It's like this weight that's on my shoulders and I feel guilty every minute I waste or am just being lazy because I think to myself how I should be doing work right now. It seems like once you reach high school, the rest of your life is just gonna be things to get through. You have high school, then college, then a full time job, or just raising kids and keeping up a house. It's frustrating. I complain a lot. I know, but sometimes I just want to scream.


Wow, sorry I'm ending on such a downer. I'm really in a good mood, but that's just how it's gone...



~M

Family Arrivals

Today was actually a really great day. The weather was wonderful, warm, sunny. It was just the ideal summer day. Went jogging, went swimming. Finished a book and tanned.

My cousin Brookie arrived today with my uncle, her husband Nate, and her son Liam. I'm so happy that family have arrived:) My mom and I tried to babysit Liam for a bit, but once he was separated from Brooke, he would not stop crying and screaming. And this may be mean, but there is something so incredibly adorable about screaming babies. They are just AH SO CUTE I can barely take it. And really, I just sort of laugh while they're crying. So anyway, Brooke had to come get him because he wasn't too pleased about us kidnapping him.

Really, I just love babies so much. They make me so happy. I've decided I'm gonna try and do a lot of babysitting this year to earn money. I have to earn atleast $500 for a missions trip this February and I'm looking for every opportunity to get a bit of cash. I'd rather be doing something I enjoy though and spending time with kids is definitely one of those. Toddlers are the best and all they have to do is just gurgle and try and walk and they just make you so happy inside. I loooveee children! AH.

Campbell, Scott, and Simms arrived around 7 or 7:30 tonight. They were hoping to get in by 4:30. Apparently they had a really bad trip. Their travel takes 2 days whereas ours only takes 7 hours. I guess I should be thankful.

I also saw Misha today. She brought her boyfriend, Sev up here for a few days. He seems like a nice guy. Quiet. He's about 4 or 5 years older than her.

I really think the next two weeks are gonna fly on by now and I'm quite happy. It's gonna be a lot of fun seeing everyone and just having it be like old times.

~M