It seems that every time I am alone, I cannot stop myself from crying. I am in a state of desperation and I have no idea where I am going. My eyes are puffy, red, and wet even as I write this. Over the past couple weeks, I think I'm watching the people I love slip away from me...The distance is increasing and my heart is breaking at the sudden realization that I have lost my best friend. I have lost both of my best friends. I'm learning that I have the ability to hide as much or as little of me as I wish and this is so tempting that I find myself holding back and not saying how I feel because in all honesty, it doesn't matter how I feel. Nothing changes. No one seems to notice that I'm keeping myself so busy that I don't have to think about these decisions that eventually, I must make. I'm discovering that I do not matter. I am no one's number one. I have fallen into a new placement, one further down the line of priority. I realized tonight that I now have secrets which is strange because I always prided myself in my vulnerability . I'm holding things inside to avoid being patronized. In all honesty, the more you show to someone, the more they lose interest in finding out the true depths of you. I'm exhausted. I've been fighting for so long to be at the top of your list and I now just need to accept that I'm never going to be. We used to talk every single night before bed time. Now I'm lucky if I get "How'd your day go?" I'm exhausted and time is running out.