I'm just so sick of this cabin. It's not that I don't love it, because I do. So much in fact. It hold so many memories, so many laughs, so many good times spent with family. But I think it's just so much harder this year because it's just me. It's just me with my parents day after day.
And once again, it's not that I don't love my parents. I adore my parents. But I cannot get away to be alone and not be questioned up here. Every movement is followed.
I feel so lonely. This cottage used to be bursting with craziness thanks to my brothers. They always had a fire going, music playing, company over. They were always doing something that made me want to follow. And being the youngest as well as being the only girl, I feel like I missed out on a lot that they got to do. Back when they were allowed to go out at night, to girl's cabins and just hang out, have a bon fire, have fun. I was too young. And now that I'm old enough, they're just not around. They have jobs, and girlfriends and plans.
I just wish I were home so much right now. I miss my friends. I miss people in general. I hate that I'm so whiney, but I really just need to get away. I used to think I could get away up here, but it's just worse here because I'm never truly alone. My comments, motives, actions, are always questioned. They treat me like a child and I know for a fact that I don't get the same privileges that my brothers received at my age.
I think it's just because I'm a teenager now, but I'm going to have been up here a total of 6 weeks by the time we leave. That's almost my entire summer without seeing friends and having/going to parties. I've come to realize two, maybe two and a half weeks are all I can take. Past that, I get extremely antsy. The weather is bipolar this summer.
My mom said next year I could stay at home the whole first part of the summer and go up with them later on. Meanwhile I can work and hang out. I think that's the ideal plan. Now that I can drive it'd be awesome to just have a few weeks to myself at home. I just hope it actually happens.
Last year everything seemed so peaceful, so perfect. I was so happy to be here. But now, there's a lot of bickering between my mom and I. I feel like I can't escape it. I just get so frustrated and I need space.
I feel blogging might help me vent. I have a journal. I have a tumblr, but I don't use it. Maybe I like the idea of blogging more than journaling just because it's faster and more...modern? The idea has always attracted me. I have one for my poetry, but I'm glad I've started one to just let go of my thoughts as they come. I already feel a bit better.
So let me now bring in some positives.
Our cottage is truly beautiful. Lake Weslemkoon in summer time is one of the best places on earth. Everything is peaceful. Time moves slowly. The water feels heavenly after taking a jog, or just after being in the sun for too long. I absolutely love swimming. I feel free when I swim because it's just you and nature. I like floating on my back and looking at the clouds, especially when the wind is pushing them along at a really fast rate. I don't think I appreciate the clouds enough, but they really do fascinate me. When I was young I believed-and i'm sure most kids believe this-that the clouds were just like a big fluffy white pillow and if I were that high up I could just sleep in one. Later on in life, I found out that a person would simply fall through the billowy clouds.
Lake Wes is still gorgeous when it rains, but even more so when the sun is shining. The lake glimmers. Thunderstorms are the most exciting up here because they happen right on the lake. You can see the swirls of the water and each individual dot of rain as it falls to make the water rise. Sometimes the electricity goes out and we read by candlelight. It hasn't happened yet this year, but I still have another two weeks.
~M
